I should have been more clear in my initial posting... the "MAN" IS the Toyota dealership where I bought it!! The first time I called he was condescending - when i got there he was condescending - he called and told me they made an adjustment (which meant i was right there was something goofy going on) and he let someone else check me out (sure seemed to be avoiding me). I took it back in again and he said it's the electronic shifter on the 5 speed transmission and that it's just the way they drive - that his manager drives one and it took him a long time to get used to it... it's just the way they drive and literally just sent me on my way saying they could make another adjustment to the computer but I should probably just wait until my next oil change...
When I first googled the problem, the lexus site came up with repeated similar complaints so i thought I'd post it on toyota to see if anyone else was having trouble with their Highlanders. I WILL take it to another dealer and if nothing still, I'll call Toyota USA... thanks!